2024 is the year that saved my life and almost killed me.  Anyone who knows me is likely aware that I have always been ambitious and loved to keep busy. At first it was school clubs and volunteer opportunities, as I aged it was community outreach and entrepreneurship. After my first divorce, I coped by throwing myself into everything and soon found my identity solely through my work.  By the time the pandemic hit, it was everything a restaurant owner could do to survive (we’re selling eggs for goodness sake) and soon I was running multiple businesses, corporations, seasonal operations, and undertakings.  Entire days, weeks and years were dedicated to my employees, my clients, my vendor relationships, and the bottom line.  I was “too busy” for any self-care, escaping for 2-3 pedicures a year, and monthly bingo games, but otherwise I had lost touch with many family and friends, while also losing myself.  I no longer took time for the passions that lifted my soul, and despite living in an idyllic place, I rarely even took the time to enjoy the ocean’s beauty and tranquility.

Though I had increasing trouble breathing for 2+ years, I attributed it to a sedentary lifestyle, aging, and gaining weight.  When on vacation in the mountains of Ecuador, at 16,500 feet up at the majestic Quilotoa crater lake, not only was I extremely altitude sick but was also unable to breathe. On a memorable trip back to Gettysburg College for my 20-year college reunion, I couldn’t walk back to my dorm room without accepting a ride from a kind Sigma sister.

All of this was disturbing to me but I was managing IF: I got up early enough to cough all the discomfort out of my lungs, had a pocket of VapoCool cough drops, and slept without laying flat.  Until one day, I couldn’t manage anymore. I missed 2 ½ days of work because I couldn’t walk. I didn’t have the energy. When I finally arrived at the restaurant on the afternoon of the 3^rd day, after it taking 5 hours for me to get showered and dressed, a trusted friend with chronic medical issues of her own had a horrified look on her face at finally laying eyes upon me.  She begged me to go to the hospital, saying my skin was grey and lips were blue. 

When I went to the ED, I thought I’d be waiting forever because I wasn’t bleeding; I expected to be given an inhaler or a treatment then be sent home. I was only there a few minutes before they did my intake and as soon as they took me O2 sats, they wheeled me away.  I spent 21 days in the hospital, 11 days in ICU at Cooper University Hospital and from the moment I laid down in that bed, all that was running through my head was “it’s about me now.”

Don’t get me wrong, it didn’t sink in at first. I wanted to be out in 3 days because our restaurant was being featured on television.  I had to do payroll on Day 2 or the entire staff wouldn’t get paid. Labor Day was approaching and the staff shrinking so they NEEDED me.  But as I was sitting in the ICU running payroll on my laptop (which later took a nose dive b/c it was a LOT of cords) and talking to the nurses about consent to be intubated if my breathing got any worse, I realized… I CAN’T do those things.  I physically COULD NOT. 

A few days later, my pulmonologist pointed out that when I touched my work phone, my BP and Pulse would jump, while my O2 plummeted.  He told me that my prescriptions moving forward were: no stress, no anxiety, no cold as all three could negatively effect my breathing.

I do want to caveat that I was struggling with some crippling anxiety throughout the summer as well as recurring bouts of depression, but just 2 weeks before I was admitted, my therapist prescribed anxiety meds and adjusted other medicine that was having a transformative effect on my outlook.

 I laid in that bed in the ICU watching summer come to a close out my window and I felt so blessed. At the thought of giving up all the distractions and unrewarding stress, my whole spirit was light. For the first time in recent memory, my heart wasn’t heavy. I had people from every season of my life reach out – reconnecting with some after almost 2+ decades.  The 3 weeks (to the hour!) I spent in the hospital was a Ctrl-Alt-Delete for my whole life.  Almost four months later, though I am physically adapting to a new normal, I’m also doing so emotionally.  I’m in a new place of honesty, reconnection, and self-respect that has brought so much joy and positivity to my life.  It has absolutely come to pass that merely putting positive energy into the universe and being open to the opportunities the world shows me, I have had some unbelievable experiences, which were always the most important thing to me.

I’ll be deep diving into the effects of this beauty I’ve experienced since opening my heart and my life in this next series of posts, though I expect for the stories to be endless if I continue to embrace the goodness that is coming my way.

As always, thank you for reading this far, and if you’re so inclined to help support my medical costs and bucket list, my amazing friends put together a GoFundMe.