I’ve read and watched so many people’s stories of finding their center, forgiving those who have deeply hurt them, beaming with joy in even the crappiest of circumstances and I’m gonna be real with you- I rarely believed them.  I always considered myself a very positive person and though I’ve faced my share of hardships, I believe that I have lived a better life than most.  That being said, I still carried my fair share of resentments, anger, hurt and pain, I just tried not to give it too much power in my life.  Over the past few posts, I’ve discussed how very depressed I had become and that brought with it a skepticism and cynicism that I was ashamed of, but was so all encompassing that I couldn’t see how these friends and public figures were supposedly in such a peaceful mindset and forgiving headspace.

I read a book about 10 years ago called, “The Happiness Advantage” that dove into the science of WHY happy people are luckier. I’m sure we could debate whether there is “science” in “luck” but the book argues, quite effectively I might add, that happy people are more open to the world. Their positive mindset makes them predisposed to seeing opportunities and welcoming life’s twists and turns.  Perhaps it boils down to a scientific explanation for – put good energy into the universe and good things will come back to you.  I feel that since my diagnosis, I have become the embodiment of this. 

When I first went into the hospital, I was honestly so relieved to not be working, physically struggling just to breathe and eat, and emotionally torn about wanting to be with my businesses guiding them to the Labor Day weekend culmination of summer but knowing that I needed to focus on myself.  As each day moved by, I was content to learn a bit more about my condition, problem solve with the doctors through my symptoms and history, and encouraged by improvements when I could see them.  I think that the first wave of GRATITUDE that I experienced was the moment I rolled out of the hospital.  I will never forget the feeling of the sun on my skin and the scent of fresh air in my lungs. It was pure bliss.

From then on, I started to surprise myself by the unbridled joy I experience every day in the simplest of things! I truly appreciate everything from being lucky enough to awaken early to see a sunrise to the mental clarity I get from the icy water when my shower turns cold.  I’ve always had blankets but now I actually feel them on my lap: their soft texture, their comforting weight, their reassuring warmth. I smile and talk to the bird bathing in a puddle of melted snow, I giggle with delight as I paint-by-number a canvas of a Sea Isle City sunset, or marvel at the texture of my Ninja Creami sorbet.

Reinforcing these new realizations was my trip to the Azores in November. I hadn’t been to Europe in a decade, and to be somewhere as naturally breathtaking that focused on sustainability, preserving nature, and that crafted foods that are so close to the earth was amazing synthesis with my new outlook.  The fish was so fresh it came out of the Atlantic mere hours before and it was so unique to the area that there wasn’t even an English name for it. Dairy is their main export with both the cheeses and the steaks so fresh, lean and hormone free that the flavor was full and developed in a way I had never experienced.  Even the snack foods we bought from the grocery store contained REAL ingredients instead of fake colors and flavors. The salty snacks like chips and pretzels weren’t salty at all; the sweets and chocolates were hardly sweet but in both cases the flavors were so developed and full! Potato chips tasted like potatoes! Fast food sodas came in 10oz cans made with real sugar instead of Big Gulp excess dripping with corn syrup.

When I knew that this life changing mindset had permeated my psyche was this past Friday. It was Friday night, it was 26 degrees and windy, the management in my campground turned off the water so I couldn’t shower or do my dishes and laundry. But I felt strong! I was walking pretty freely around my tiny home (my in-home concentrator has a 50ft cord so I don’t have to carry the weight of the oxygen tank but I can reach everything I need to be comfortable) and I was cleaning up the holiday mess while the electric fireplace roared. Finally, after 2 hours or so, the water came back on but when it did, I noticed that it was foamy and pink.  I went around turning on all the water in the house trying to work it through the lines. After several minutes the sinks were running clear so I turned on the shower and let it run and run. It took FOREVER! Did it bother me? Not in the least!  I was smiling in the hot steam and I said out loud, “how nice that whatever they used is pink and foamy! It’ll be so easy to see when it’s all worked through.”

I stopped dead in my tracks, turned off the water, and laughed. I thought, “WOW – this situation might really bug some people, but I feel only joy.” My heart is light, my spirit is optimistic, I feel the love and support of amazing humans –

Don’t get me wrong, every once in awhile I have a momentary flash of panic when it sinks in that I have no job, no income, I don’t know what I’m going to do now except try to get healthier and live my best life. But as quickly as the panic pings, I am then overcome with a peace and trust that says, “everything will work out.”  I don’t know how they will work out, as I have also given up making big plans, but I believe that if I stay open to opportunity, then favorable circumstances will present themselves.

This installment focused more on the change in mindset and outlook bringing inner peace and outward joy.  Next time, I regale you with stories of some of the unbelievable things that have come my way since this shift.

For anyone feeling drawn to support my medical and living expenses, my friends set up a GoFundMe. These funds are also supporting my Bucket List as I am able. Thank you for your kindness.